Guilt...ugh

LOOOOVES!!! well hello there!! I finally had some free time to write to you on this lovely Sunday night. It's a special night, a night of rememberance actually....it's Sept 11th. I'll tell you what...ask me what i did last Thursday? Ummmmmm, if i think really hard then i might scramble pieces of the day or peices of that week and hope i'm getting the events in the right order, or even the right people that were involved in my life that day, hmmmm...anyway, now that i just took a 5 min break from typing because i actually just tried thinking of what i did do and who i saw last Thursday and STILL dont know , geez LOL!?!?!! my whole point is,i can't remember 7 days ago,but if u ask me what i did September 11th 2001 i can tell u hour to hour probably even minute to minute of that devastating day in America. So, tonight i decided to blog because its a day of reflection.
The last time i wrote i believe i mentioned a boy i met while on a Sunday lunch date with my girlfriend..well,to make a long story short, i realized i was just in heat that day. In this case im not reffering to me sitting in the boiling sun on a humid summer day in Chicago...i mean i was in heat like a dog that hasnt been nutered!!! ya'll get what im sayin?? LOL. i was basically interested in him for the wrong reasons...hey, dont judge, we've all been there at least once in our life (maybe i've been there more then once, but enough about me,back to my story, lol!) Poor guy still texts after 2 months, can u believe that?! I returned his texts simply because i felt guilty not... but when i think about it, what the hell do i feel guilty for anyway?!??? NOTHING that's what. I don't let guilt control my life anymore. I used to, and it only delayed my future. Guilt is a mother F$#%@R i tell ya! i truly believe that people make wrong decisions because of a guilty conscience. For example... some guys will have a girl that they aren't 100% happy with so they decide to find happiness elsewhere but never let go of what they have at home. Why? well that lil bit of guilt sets in when they think about how much their girl has put up with thru the years and years and will put up with because she "loves him" (please if she ONLY knew..she'd probably quickly "unlove him" if she was smart...but hey what do i know!) So, that guilt of his dishonesty to her takes over when he has to look at while she says to him "baby, i just love u and i'm just so happy to be together, and i cant wait to marry you and have babies, and a house, and grow old together, and....blahm blah blah. You get what im sayin?? He now feels so guilty that he can't break up with her!!(even though he cheats on her because he's unhappy in some aspect of their relationship) i mean how can he break her heart like that when she's got hearts in her eyes for him along with a checklist obviously, lol. This poor guy will now let the years add on with his darling, and get comfortable living a shady life, as long as he doesn't have to face the guilt and be the bad guy that breaks her heart and makes her cry. F that!!!! please, that'll be the day where i let guilt control my life! Let me tell ya this much...if im guilty of something im gonna own up to it. I'll ask the person to prove it with evidence of course (i mean hell, i don't wanna go down without a fight, lol) But i will not live a life of guilt from my actions that most likely made me happy as hell when i acted on em..just sayin, lol. Look, we all made poor choices in life,i get that. The thing i don't get is why some people stay in a situation that isn't fair to both parties in the long run. The guilt of your actions shouldn't be the deciding factor of staying in a stale relationship. Be fair to yourself, the person you're with and even the kids that are at times involved.
I'll share this with ya. If my momma would have let the guilt of deciding to divorce my dad in Poland, break up a family, and move her daughters and herself to America where she was going to have to start all over with the unknown...i wouldnt be sitting here writing to you now. I'm sure she felt guilty thinking we'd never know our father the way most kids do. But instead of living on that guilt, she moved forward taking life day by day..doing what made her happy, which then led us to happy lives. If you don't make yourself happy, you can't make those around you happy.
I've done some things im not proud of, but i won't sit here and dwell on them or feel guilty. I learn and move on...and sometimes i dont move on when i should because my stubborn ass won't wanna learn my lesson yet ( at that point i deserve what's comin to me!lol) Everything is easier said then done, i know i know. All im gonna say is that it's not impossible. Do what makes you happy, truly happy and i'll be happy for you. Im signing out my loves, good night and good luck with this thing we call life. Y'all know my answer to everything is LOVE! Stay beautiful and smiling!!!
xoxox ME

Kasia & The City...

Sunday bloody Sunday! i never did really know what that meant, lol.. eh, the English never interested me enough to look into it anyway, hehe! soooo, how are my ladies and gents doin these days? im gonna go ahead and assume the answers are " it's summer, so im great!" or " schools out, and so are the hotties" or "im sun burnt..enough said" I'll take all those and other positive thoughts ;) I...thank u for asking, lol, am SUPER! (did i really just say super???) ok, let me rephrase myself..i'm alllll goood. i had a great day in Chi-city with a fellow blondie of mine. See, i got a couple trips comin up this month and mamma needed some cute new dresses. I mean not only do i have NOTHING to wear in my closet (so not exaggerating, like i'm guilty of at times) but i also parted with my size 0 days so really nothin fits right and i need to look cute at ALL times. Being a single girl is almost more work then being in a relationship if u ask me. i mean, whoever said love is blind was LYING! lol. i need someone to see me clearly and vise versa. And if i don't feel sexy and confident in my skin and clothes, then how can the male species that im preying on find attraction in me?!?! Anyway, back to my shopping day in the city.... Akira was a hit! my friend Jonathan hooooked it up! i got the cutest of cute dresses for some Vegas nights ahead. One of my favorites actually reminds me of a cupcake..a pretty strawberry icing vanilla cream center pink cupcake!! i gotta say, i almost look edible in it, lol! All other items...equally delicious looking ;) After my much needed retail therapy, a girl's gotta EAT, so off to the Viagra Triangle it was. Monika and i wanted to people watch so Carmine's was perfect. Today is when i sadly finally realized....im not made of sugar :( yep, i said it, i KASIA MILON (who now owns a dress that looks like strawberry cool whip frosting) is solidly at 130lbs, made of all spices and nothing else. I found this out because i never melted sitting outside on the most humid day in chicago this summer...and boy do we have brutal heat here, phew! The good thing about me not melting is that i met a cute boy sitting two tables away. Mmmmmmmmm... From the initial eye contact i knew i wasn't leaving without knowing at least a name..and maybe a social security number, plate number, blood type..ya know, the usual background check, lol..KIDDING! Needless to say this IS the first boy that made me sweat a lil since Mr. Wonderful, but that could also be cuz it was about 115 degree out with the humidity! geeeez! Mr. Cutie from Carmine's eventually made his way over for some small talk. The entire time i'm just thinking to myself..i hope i don't smell like a dirty kid that just played in the soil all day,gross, we all know that smell ain't so pretty. But then again i WAS sitting by flower pots so i coulda easily blamed it on that,lol! Mr. Cutie was adorable alright, just when i thought this city had nothing to offer each time i've been out lately..i just got proven wrong ;) ok, it's ten pm and i gotta bed and pillow that's been calling my name for a half hour now.." i hear u!! im COMING! i just gotta find some batteries!" oops too much info, LOL.. buh bye for now loves! Big kisses til we meet again in front of a computer <3 <3 <3 MUAH!!

is the game over??

Hello loves! i bet you're wondering what happened after 40 days and 40 nights, huh? Well, i gave him up..but not just for 40/40..but for good (HUGE gulp...with an added sigh following) Yep, u read correctly, your eyes aren't decieving you...My Mr. Wonderful is gone. That strength i asked God for about 2 bloggs ago, well it was granted. Geeeez, i guess the big guy up there really does listen to me. in that case, God? Hey God? ummmm, can u send Mr. Wonderful to me with open arms say tomorrow about noonish, lol..yea, if it were only that easy right? So back to that strength i got to finally let my feelings of love go.. booooooo for meeeee. Ugh, i can't even begin to tell u how hard it's been these past few weeks. I cried! yea, u got it, i actually cry every other day, and im not ashamed to tell u that i do. i am however ashamed to admit that i purposely listen to songs that i know are going to make me sad...it's the dramatic side of me, what can i say. The thing is just because i let him go physically, means absolutely nothing. He lives in my heart and in my head every day. So sure i have no physical contact (which kills, believe me...batteries are running low), but not having emotional contact is the part that makes me saddest. Honestly, it would be easier to just keep seeing him and then move on when i move away one day. This is hard, and i wonder if im the only one that fell here..i wonder what he thinks, and feels. But i might never get a straight answer. And that's just something i need to accept. I knew the rules before i played the game. I knew what the outcome would be. What i didnt know is that i would fall this hard. So, is this it? Is the game over? Or is it just halftime?? All i know is the ball is no longer in my court..i shot, made my free thro in and passed it along to him. Time to stand on the sidelines and cheer

New Moon

Good evening my fellow beauties and beasts, lol. I'm totally messin around you guys!! you all know i think everyone is beautiful ( it just sounded right to type, hehe) Ok, so I'm sitting on my balcony enjoying spring so far. Typing with my hair in my face from severe winds but i refuse to go inside because i have a sense of peacefulness out here. i also get to creep up on my neighbors chillin on their balconies, lol..they think im too busy typing but little do they know I'm a multi tasker...my mamma taught me well ;) Let me tell you what else brought me out here tonight. Ashes ands a new moon..ok i know your confused, so let me do the honors.
i was once informed by a man named Vinny, who wore a puffy shirt had flowing hair that you ususlly see on the cover of a Danielle Steel novel... umm, never mind my unnecessary description of Vinny, lets get back to what i learned from the unusually dresses man. Vinny tells me that the night of every new moon, not to be confused with a full moon, u can make wishes into the universe. See, the thing is, I'm a very superstitial person. i believe in wearing yellow panties on new years for good luck, depositing money into my back account on new years eve, and now making list of wishes that i burn on a plate and send out into the universe. you got it...no problem, i'll back it up a bit. So Vinny tells me.."Kasia, i want you to go home tonight and make a list of what you want..anything you want, write it down on a piece of paper and then at the bottom make sure you put IN MY BEST INTEREST because sometimes what you want isn't really what you should have if the universe doesn't think you will benefit from it. The universe is here to help you. So make your list and then burn it with a white candle til all you have are ashes. Then blow these ashes out your back door (in my case my balcony)these ashes then will be sent into the universe and the universe will work in your favor with your best interst in mind and grant you your desires" HA!!! sooooo guess what i did?? i went home that night, made my list burnt it and blew it out into the air....BUT it wouldn't be me if i hadn't done something wrong....oh boy...lol... Wouldn't you know it i forgot the most important part IN MY BEST INTEREST!!!!!!!!!!! geeeeez, so as usual i freaked and couldn't wait for tonight so that i can make my list again and this time not forget the most important part, lol. which brings me to my balcony, tahh dahh.
I bet you're all wondering what was on my list huh?? well a girl doesn't kiss and tell...ok maybe i do sometimes, but only to like 5 of my closest ladies. In this case i can't tell you what's on my list but i'll give you a hint...there's a boy involved, lol! oh the story of my life...the boy that stole my heart and refuses to give it back...well on my list i asked for it back, haha!
Alright Lovers and Dreamers, im out for night. time to make some bed time tea and watch the season finale of Kim and Kourtney take New York City.. Kisses and Huggs always and forever..Ka$!@ (ps. thats my new name spelling, cute huh?)'

i'm more then just an option....

hello luvs!!!! i haven't had time to write, but since im out on my ass for 3 days i thought i'd catch u up on some thoughts. Well things have been great lately for starters. I have been traveling, having fun, working a ton, and enjoying bein me :) I am exactly what a true Sagattarian is these days.. I have it all under control in life even when its really out of control, lol. I smile when things are tough, because there is no use in frowning (and it causes wrinkles)However, the one thing i have been on a rollercoaster with is my love life. Yep, that thing that i believe is the answer to happiness. Well let me tell u this, it is the answer to happiness but it sucks when u know that happiness is going to come to a heartache. So is it better to let a certain love go in order to prevent that heartache? Even if that love brings u such happiness for the time being? YES, it is... sadly i must say that i need to let my love go in order for it to come back to me. Damn it, but i dont want tooooo !!ugh, whaaaa ;( ok...now that i've pouted like a baby, i can continue to write. See, i have tried this before and it really jus doesn't work.. i have tried to date boys and kiss boys and what happens?? im right back where i started.. sucked back in to the best i have come accross thus far <3 So, then i ask myself, "who am i kidding? am i really trying to pretend that i wanna give someone else a chance when i really dont?" my answer is always no. That's when i end up right back in the arms of the one i love. But in the end thats the one that gives me a heartache, so why do i keep coming back for more? If someone fits in ur life because of a work schedule or life schedule in my case then why change em? If that person makes u happy and says all the right things to put a smile on your face, then why change em right? If that person is exactly your type and you compare all other boys to him, then why change em again?? well, here's why... because im more then just an option. Because im only cheating myself in the end. I know that..im fully entirely aware of this, i have been for years now. But let me tell you, that i didn't want to fall in love. Not with him at least, but i did and i don't regret it at all... i just wish the situation was different. Will it ever be? who knows!!! all i know is that i cant sit around and be second best. Its not who i am, so how did i let this get so complicated?! lol geeeez, i overwhelm myself i swear. The thing is, i know what i need to do and i simply dont want to do it because it hurts to much. But the hurt i will have now, is prolly waaaaaay better then what i will go thru if this continues any longer.. for it will only become more and more complicated.........
So with this in mind, i know i'm not second best. i know i'm more than just an option. yea yea yea... i know all too well what needs to happen next...so to be continued my friends....we'll see how well i do with the strength God has blessed me with. Let's start with 40 days and 40 nights for now, lol
hugs and kisses always xoxo Kas <3