i'm more then just an option....

hello luvs!!!! i haven't had time to write, but since im out on my ass for 3 days i thought i'd catch u up on some thoughts. Well things have been great lately for starters. I have been traveling, having fun, working a ton, and enjoying bein me :) I am exactly what a true Sagattarian is these days.. I have it all under control in life even when its really out of control, lol. I smile when things are tough, because there is no use in frowning (and it causes wrinkles)However, the one thing i have been on a rollercoaster with is my love life. Yep, that thing that i believe is the answer to happiness. Well let me tell u this, it is the answer to happiness but it sucks when u know that happiness is going to come to a heartache. So is it better to let a certain love go in order to prevent that heartache? Even if that love brings u such happiness for the time being? YES, it is... sadly i must say that i need to let my love go in order for it to come back to me. Damn it, but i dont want tooooo !!ugh, whaaaa ;( ok...now that i've pouted like a baby, i can continue to write. See, i have tried this before and it really jus doesn't work.. i have tried to date boys and kiss boys and what happens?? im right back where i started.. sucked back in to the best i have come accross thus far <3 So, then i ask myself, "who am i kidding? am i really trying to pretend that i wanna give someone else a chance when i really dont?" my answer is always no. That's when i end up right back in the arms of the one i love. But in the end thats the one that gives me a heartache, so why do i keep coming back for more? If someone fits in ur life because of a work schedule or life schedule in my case then why change em? If that person makes u happy and says all the right things to put a smile on your face, then why change em right? If that person is exactly your type and you compare all other boys to him, then why change em again?? well, here's why... because im more then just an option. Because im only cheating myself in the end. I know that..im fully entirely aware of this, i have been for years now. But let me tell you, that i didn't want to fall in love. Not with him at least, but i did and i don't regret it at all... i just wish the situation was different. Will it ever be? who knows!!! all i know is that i cant sit around and be second best. Its not who i am, so how did i let this get so complicated?! lol geeeez, i overwhelm myself i swear. The thing is, i know what i need to do and i simply dont want to do it because it hurts to much. But the hurt i will have now, is prolly waaaaaay better then what i will go thru if this continues any longer.. for it will only become more and more complicated.........
So with this in mind, i know i'm not second best. i know i'm more than just an option. yea yea yea... i know all too well what needs to happen next...so to be continued my friends....we'll see how well i do with the strength God has blessed me with. Let's start with 40 days and 40 nights for now, lol
hugs and kisses always xoxo Kas <3